Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here