*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
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Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist