What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
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Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
no
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.