my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
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“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
My inexpensive home security system…
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.