I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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absolutely not
Easy enough.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
What?