There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
#TopTip
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie