my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
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Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*