Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Brb my Sims are getting married
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants