i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
You Might Also Like
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers