your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.