I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*