Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Oh the world we live in…
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat