Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.