[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Ironic