A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.