i will avenge u mr van gogh
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
no cat here
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on