I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
You Might Also Like
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?