i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
We all have our pet causes.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Important
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.