[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
This is a bad sign
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?