This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
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Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Where’s my employee discount too?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Awesome parenting 😂
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.