The news in a nutshell.
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.