I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*