I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.