Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
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my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
welp
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
My background check bounced.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat