[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.