me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.