I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
You Might Also Like
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.