[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?