dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
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a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
This made me chuckle.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I would move hell over six inches for you
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE