Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*offers Batman cough drops*
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors