[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Here’s a meme