No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.