My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
You Might Also Like
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…