Lmao
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?