He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm