Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Alexa: *deep breath*
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.