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Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams