*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird