Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale