*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
You Might Also Like
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.