Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
A Short Story.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Leaving the Barbers like
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self