I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
True
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.