i prefer mine room temperature.
You Might Also Like
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves