Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You Might Also Like
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday