We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.