Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
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fly smarter, not harder
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
🤣😂
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.