Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
You Might Also Like
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.