So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.