congratulations to them
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I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.