Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]